


welcome to space gay hell

by kafka_s, mayonnaise_is_here



Category: Starfighter (Comic), Starfighter Eclipse
Genre: Cain is fucking clueless, Deimos is such a little shit, M/M, Praxis actually knows how to share, They play Pokemon GO, They play overwatch too, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, angry keeler is a demon straight from hell, bite me, chat fic, dick jokes in places where they shouldnt be, everyone simultaneously hates and loves each other, idk if they have wifi in space but im writing and i say they play pokemon go, no one on this ship sleeps like a goddamn human, phobos doesnt know what memes are, sleep is for the weak, warning for all you under 13 since theres swearing and things that probably arent that appropriate, what a loser
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-18 12:29:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7315276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kafka_s/pseuds/kafka_s, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayonnaise_is_here/pseuds/mayonnaise_is_here
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keeler tells Abel to set up a Skype chat for his assigned team, for bonding purposes. Sure, they bond, but not exactly in the way that Keeler had in mind.  Strike that, this was a huge mistake, and it's all Keeler's fault.  Why did he ever think that giving them skype was a good idea???</p><p>Alternately called the sleipnir after dark</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deimos is such a fucking prick

**Author's Note:**

> Pirate: have fun studying those orgasms
> 
> My friend and I are co-authoring this, but she isn't on ao3 but feel free to bug me on tumblr (aph-twinarmageddons)
> 
> And I know the spacing is super fucking weird but bear with me, because I can't figure it out for the life of me.

_ June 3rd, 2016 _

9:30 A.M.

 

_ Abel has created Team Building Chat _ _   
_ _ Abel has added Cain, Deimos, Phobos, Praxis, Ethos, Helios, and Selene. _

 

**Abel:** Hey guys, Keeler said that doing something like this would strengthen us as a team.

**Helios:** Cool!

**Cain:** the hell is this

**Cain:** when did we get this skype shit

**Cain:** what even is this

**Phobos:** Maybe if you listened to the CO you’d know what’s going on, shit-for-brains.

**Cain:** you wanna fight??  I can take your scrawny navigator ass

**Cain:** meet me in the pit and fite me

**Ethos: ...** Isn’t it ‘fight’?  (・・ ) ?

**Cain:** i can fite you too you overgrown hair floof

**Praxis:** Leave Ethos alone, Cain.

**Cain:** hey look who showed up

**Cain:** its pirate himself

 

_ Praxis’s nickname is now Pirate. _

_ Ethos’s nickname is now overgrown hair floof. _

 

**Pirate:** Cain so help me I’m going to beat your fucking ass in PT today.

**Cain:** calm your fucking tits it wasnt me

**overgrown hair floof:** Guys, I think you should stop fighting.  Abel said this was a team building exercise

(´｡• ω •｡`)  
  
---  
  
**Abel:** Yeah, it is.  

**Phobos:** Well you guys all suck

 

_ Phobos has left the chat. _

 

**overgrown hair floof:** Hey, should we add Phobos back?  He is part of the team, technically

**Cain:** nah let him be a pussy ass princess 

**Cain:** we dont need him anyway

**overgrown hair floof:** ┐('～`;)┌ okay then.

 

_ Abel has added Phobos to the chat. _

 

**Abel:** Phobos, you can’t just leave the chat whenever you want.

**Phobos:** Yes I can.  Just watch me.

 

_ Phobos has left the chat. _

 

**Pirate:** Just leave him alone.  I’m pretty sure he’s going to come back later.

**overgrown hair floof:** I have to go study the Colteron’s organisms, be back later, guys.

**Pirate:** have fun studying those orgasms. 

**Pirate:** SHIT. I mean orgasms.

**Cain:** what the shit do they have you guys looking at on the bridge

**Cain:** fucking teron porn or something

**Abel:** CAIN NO

**Abel:** WE DO ACTUAL WORK

**Pirate:** Sorry, my depth perception is fucked i can’t hit the right keys.

**Cain:** lame excuse pirate

**Pirate:** Okay I want my name changed back

 

_ Cain’s nickname is now Fuckboi666 _

 

**Pirate:** Haha. Nevermind, this is good.

**Fuckboi666:** alright that shit aint funny

**Fuckboi666:** hoever the fuck that was change it back

**Selene:** whoever*

**Fuckboi666:** same thing, ur all hoes u grammar nazi

**Selene:** You’re, and you. Please type like a decent human being.

**Selene:** And for the record, I’m part Indian.

**Abel:** I apologize for him, Cain is an ass. 

 

_ Selene’s nickname is now grammar Indian _

 

**Grammar indian:** CAIN THAT IS NOT FUNNY.  CHANGE IT BACK.

**Fuckboi666:** it wasnt me you fucktard

**Fuckboi666:** and if it was me i wouldve changed my own name back by now

**Helios:** hey bois waddup. 

**Grammar indian:** Boys* and what up*

**Helios:** Selene? Is that you man? This is great. 

**Grammar indian:** Yes, it’s me.  Cain changed my name.

**Fuckboi666:** for the last time it wasnt me who changed ur goddamn name

 

_ Helios’s nickname is now Helium _

 

**Helium:** what the fuck, cain

**Fuckboi666:** it wasnt me for fucks sake

 

_ Abel added Keeler to the chat. _

 

**Abel:** Just read up, and you’ll see how much of a good team exercise this has been.

**Keeler:** sweet baby jesus on a stick

 

_ Abel’s nickname is now Yes Daddy harder. _

_ Keeler’s nickname is now Daddy. _

 

**Daddy:** I would like to say 1) Encke deserves this name, not me, 2) you guys need to be better teammates, and 3)  _ who is changing all the fucking names _

**Fuckboi666:** did a superior officer just swear in front of us

**Fuckboi666:** fucking scandalous

**Helium:** we all think its cain whos changing the names

**Fuckboi666:** well it isnt me otherwise id have changed my own name 

 

_ Daddy has added Phobos to the chat. _

_ Daddy has left the chat.  _

 

**Phobos:** tf

**Phobos:** You guys are all idiots, you know that?

**Phobos:** And Abel, you’re a double idiot.

**Phobos** : You wanna know who was changing the names?

**Fuckboi666:** yES

**Phobos:** Fucking Deimos, that’s who

**Phobos:** I can see his screen from here, that little fucker

**Deimos:** I would say i’m sorry but i’m not.

 

_ Phobos’s nickname is now Slut keep ur mouth shut _

 

**Slut keep ur mouth shut:** See, it’s Deimos.

**Fuckboi666:** Deimos change my fucking name back

**Deimos:** #yolobitch

 

_ Fuckboi666’s nickname is now fITE ME M8 _

 

**Deimos:** I changed it.

**fITE ME M8:** you little shit

**overgrown hair floof:** Hey guys!!! I’m back!!!  ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ

**overgrown hair floof:** Oh God, what happened while I was gone????  〣( ºΔº )〣

**Pirate:** Deimos is the name changer

**Pirate:** Speaking of which, Deimos, can you change my name back now?

 

_ Pirate’s nickname is now Praxis. _

 

**fITE ME M8:** YOULL CHANGE HIS NAME BUT NOT MiNE

**fITE ME M8:** WHY? UR ONE OF MY BITCHES

 

_ Grammar indian’s nickname is now Selene. _

_ Yes Daddy harder’s nickname is now Abel _

_ Helium’s nickname is now Helios _

 

**fITE ME M8:** FUK U

_ Slut keep your mouth shut’s nickname is now Phobos you hoe _

 

**Phobos you hoe:** REAL MATURE, DEIMOS.

**fITE ME M8:** deimos you have three fuckin minutes before i come over and shove my entire foot up your ass

**Helios:** Considering the way I’ve seen him look at you he might enjoy that

Praxis: I got to go.

 

_ Helios’s nickname is now BITCH WHAT.  _

_ Praxis’s nickname is now Pirate. _

 

**Deimos:** That was not me. 

**BITCH WHAT:** its kinda obvious it was you deimos

 

_ Deimos’s nickname is now DIEmos. _

 

**DIEmos:** who did that?

 

_ overgrown hair floof’s nickname is now Ethos _

 

**Ethos:** Uhh, it was Phobos  (⊙_⊙)

**Phobos you hoe: *** Cain’s excuse* 

**fITE ME M8:** what the fuck is that supposed to mean

**Phobos you hoe:** It means that I’m too lazy to reiterate the fact that if it was me who changed Deimos’s name then I would’ve changed mine back first

**fITE ME M8:** fuck off

**DIEmos:** Ethos.

**Ethos:** Yes??

**DIEmos:** this means war

 

_ Ethos’s nickname is now Pirate Wench _

_ DIEmos’s nickname is now Deimos. _

 

**Pirate Wench:** !!! 

 

_ Deimos’s nickname is now guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal.  _

 

**Phobos you hoe:** It’s true. He does.

**fITE ME M8:** holy shit deimos does what now

 

_ Phobos you hoe sent an image _

 

**fITE ME M8:** holy shit he does

**fITE ME M8:** deimos you fucking liar

**Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal:** What?! Its not true. 

**Phobos you hoe:** Ethos, how did you know?

**Pirate Wench:** You wanted me to go get your tablet from your room, and when I went in to go get it there was this stuffed hippo very badly hidden under a pillow

**Pirate Wench:** It’s also your homescreen  (=⌒‿‿⌒=)

**fITE ME M8:** wait whut.

**BITCH WHAT:** BITCH WHAT

**Selene:** it was unnecessary to say that out loud as well as type it

**Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal:** well ethos has this bonsai tree named herbert that he and pirate co-parent

**Pirate Wench:** It’s a tree, not a  _ stuffed hippo _

**Pirate:** That’s a lie.

**Selene:** No it’s not, when I walked Ethos back to his room and he opened the door he showed it to me. Besides Ethos isnt denying it.

**Pirate Wench:** Praxis, Herbert is a tree.  It’s fine.  It’s not like we sleep with Herbert, unless you have something to tell me

**Pirate:** I don’t sleep with Herbert. He is my son.

**Pirate:** There was that once when I fell asleep on the desk next to him but that’s it

**fITE ME M8:** you and the hair floof have a tree for a kid

**fITE ME M8:** well isnt that domestically endearing

 

_ Pirate’s nickname is now Tree daddy. _

_ Pirate Wench’s nickname is now Mommy kink probs. _

 

**Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal:** that wasn’t me

 

_ Phobos you hoe’s nickname is now Queen Bitch. _

 

**Queen Bitch:** This is my fucking kingdom now

**fITE ME M8:** oh shit Encke just pm'ed me, gtg later bitches.

**Tree daddy:** Abel you should totally change the background on his tablet

**Abel:** To what?

**Abel:** Any suggestions?

**Selene:** Helios just whispered “Dis dick.”

**BITCH WHAT:** Omfg Selene I did not

 

_ BITCH WHAT’s nickname is now DIS DICK _

 

**DIS DICK:** DEIMOS NO CHANGE IT

**Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal:** It wasn’t me this time

**Mommy kink probs:** Speaking of name changes, Deimos, you still haven’t changed your’s back yet 

**Mommy kink probs:** Does that mean you’re not denying that fact anymore?  |･ω･)

 

_ Guess who still sleeps with a stuffed animal’s nickname is now Die Ethos. _

 

**Die Ethos:** You’re still Mommy kink probs. Is that true?

**Queen Bitch:** You’d know all about his kinks don’t lie.

 

_ Die Ethos’s nickname is now Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals _

 

**Tree Daddy:** Yes, and?

**fITE ME M8:** holy shit, i came back at a great time.

**fITE ME M8:** you actually do threesomes???

**Tree Daddy:** I never said that.

**Tree Daddy:** But at least I know how to share, unlike you, Cain

**Queen Bitch:** Holy shit. And I thought Ethos was a virgin. I was kidding about them sleeping together.

**Mommy Kink probs:** Why does everyone think I’m a virgin?  (・_・;)

**fITE ME M8:** dude you look like the literal definition of ‘cinnamon roll, too pure’

 

_ Mommy Kink probs’s nickname is now The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise. _

 

**Abel:** Guys its lunch, eat. 

**DIS DICK:** Abel is right tbh

**Queen Bitch:** We’ll be back after we eat the shit the Alliance calls food. I wanna hear more of this shit. And Ethos, we need to talk.


	2. Porthos's nickname is now Pineapple-kun.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals: sweet baby jesus  
> Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals: for the love of god never fuck with abel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We had so much fun writing this one.

_June 3rd 2016_

_3:02 P.M._

 

_The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise added Encke to the group chat._

 

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Oh sorry Encke, I didn’t mean to add you!!!

 **DIS DICK:** YOU ADDED ENCKE TO THIS CHAT

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** shit

 **fITE ME M8:** Men, men settle down.  There is a lady in the room

 **Encke:** It’s funny, even with the nicknames I know exactly who is who.  

 

_Encke’s nickname is now Ms. Lady Dick_

 

 **Ms. Lady Dick:** Cain.

 **Ms. Lady Dick:** Change it back, or I’m going to fucking turn your ass inside out.

 **fITE ME M8:** IT WASNT ME I FUCKING SWEAR

 

_Ms. Lady Dick’s nickname is now Encke you buzz kill_

 

 **Encke you buzz kill:** Cain, say your last words.

 

_Encke you buzz kill has left the chat_

 

 **fITE ME M8:** IT WASNT ME

 **DIS DICK:** RIP CAIN

 

_DIS DICK HAS NOW CHANGED THE CHAT NAME TO RIP CAIN_

 

 **Abel:** There goes Cain, fuck.  

 **Queen Bitch:** What happened?

 **Abel:** Encke came and pounded on our door until Cain opened it, and then Encke yanked Cain out.   

 **Abel:** I kind of feel bad…

 **Queen Bitch:** ….About what?

 **Abel:** Oh, nothing.

  


_3:45 P.M._

 

 **DIS DICK:** so can someone change my name back now?

 **DIS DICK:** Selene can’t stop laughing whenever he remembers about it

 **Selene:** You brought it upon yourself, when Abel asked for wallpaper changes.  Actually, we never found out what he changed it too.

 **Abel:** And I’m very sure you don’t want to know.

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** I want to know.

 **Abel:** Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  


_June 3rd, 2016_

_3:50 P.M._

 

_Abel sent an image._

_Abel sent an image._

 

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** abel holy shit

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** i cant believe that wtf

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** and i thought ethos was the one who looked innocent but is a total freak

  


_June 3rd, 2016_

_3:52 P.M._

 

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** sweet baby jesus

 **Guess who sleeps with Ethos and stuffed animals:** for the love of god never fuck with abel

 **fITE ME M8:** too late, i’ve already done it

 **fITE ME M8:** multiple, multiple times.

 **Queen Bitch:** God, you’re so nasty, Cain.

 **DIS DICK:** I second that notion

 **Tree Daddy:** I third that notion

 **Selene:** Quadruple

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Quintuple!

 **fITE ME M8:** you have absolutely no right to speak to me about shit like this

 **fITE ME M8:** just look at your name

 **Queen Bitch:** Sorry Ethos, but I have to agree with Cain on this

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** But Phobos!  We’re Navigators!  You’re supposed to be with me on this one!

 **Queen Bitch:** I only have Porthos

 **Queen Bitch:** You have Praxis _and_ Deimos

 **Abel:** *COUGH COUGH* COOK *COUGH COUGH*

 **Queen Bitch:** Okay

 **Queen Bitch:** Shut your mouth

 **DIS DICK:** You did what now

 **DIS DICK:** holy shit phobos that is just

 **Selene:** ….Says you, Helios.

 **DIS DICK:** OKAY SELENE NO THAT WAS ONCE

 **DIS DICK:** AND I DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE

 **DIS DICK:** YOU CANT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

 **fITE ME M8:** is there something going on here or….

 **Selene:** I’m not going to say a word about it.

 **Selene:** Helios, on the other hand, can say anything he wants about it.

 **DIS DICK:** selene no how could you do this to me

 **Queen Bitch:** Okay, I think I know what’s going on here.

 **DIS DICK:** oh god please dont tell them

  


_June 3rd, 2016_

_4:00 P.M._

 

 **Queen Bitch:** So, Helios.

 **Queen Bitch:** Do you want to talk about it?

 **DIS DICK:** God no

 **DIS DICK:** Just thinking about it, eugh

 **DIS DICK:** you know what i need to go take a shower to wash off all of the filth and regret of a very bad life choice

 **Queen Bitch:** Wow, that must’ve been terrible.  I am actually sincerely sorry about what happened.

 **DIS DICK:** coming from you that is super nice? Thank you??

 **Queen Bitch:** No problem. If you ever need help about it, you can come talk to me, alright?

 **DIS DICK:** im screenshotting all of this

 **DIS DICK:** you actually have feelings omg

 **Queen Bitch:** You just ruined the moment.

  


_June 3rd, 2016_

_4:55 P.M._

 

 **DIS DICK:** okay im back now

 **Abel:** Where'd you go?

 **Selene:** He went to go shower for practically an hour

 **DIS DICK:** uh yeah

 **fITE ME M8:** and i thought abel took a long ass time in the shower

 **Abel:** Cain, it was fifteen minutes.  Fifteen.  Minutes.

 **Queen Bitch:** You guys should get a room so we don’t have to listen to your old married couple bickering.

 **fITE ME M8:** phobos were in our room rn stfu

 **Queen Bitch:** What even was that?  Is that English?  Or is it your weird colonial tongue?

 **fITE ME M8:** i can and will fite you phobos

 **Queen Bitch:** I’m so scared.

  


_June 3rd, 2016_

_5:30 P.M._

 

 **fITE ME M8:** the fuckre you

 **fITE ME M8:** you werent in your room wtf

 **Selene:**  That’s either fucker* or fuck’re*

 **DIS DICK:** and you broke into phobos’s room?

 **Queen Bitch:** Cain, there are no-Fighter zones on this ship.  Currently, I am in one of them.

 **Selene:** I watched him trail his sugar daddy into his office.

 **Selene:** I don’t want to think about that what they’re doing in there.

 **Queen Bitch:** I can’t believe you told them that.

 **fITE ME M8:** oooh someones getting laid

 **fITE ME M8:** and by fucking cook too

 **Queen Bitch:** Shut up, Cain.

 **fITE ME M8:** but you havent denied it so

 **Tree Daddy:** I’m not even going to ask.

 **Selene:** Good idea.

 **Queen Bitch:**  I’m not fucking Cook!

 **fITE ME M8:** well what about the other way around

 **Queen Bitch:** Not that way either!  I’m talking to him, you nasty-minded freak!

 **Abel:** And Cain, Navigators go visit Cook all the time, whether it be for assignments or whatever.  Maybe Phobos has a new mission.

 **Queen Bitch:** That and Cain can’t get in here.

 **Tree Daddy:** Selene called Cook Phobos’s ‘sugar daddy’

 **Queen Bitch:** He is not my sugar daddy, fucking hell.  If he was then let’s just say I wouldn’t be within a five hundred mile distance of Abel.  Or Cain.

 **fITE ME M8:** oh come on you dont hate me that much

 **DIS DICK:** hey guys where’d ethos go?

 **DIS DICK:** and deimos?

 **Selene:** Helios, I love you, but please, use your brain for once.

 **DIS DICK:** ….oh.

 **DIS DICK:** ew i wish i had never asked that

 **Tree Daddy:** Cain, don’t you dare say anything.

 **fITE ME M8:** holy shit are you psychic or something

 **fITE ME M8:** i was just about to say shit

 **Tree Daddy:** No, but I know you well enough that you were going to give me shit about it.

 

_Tree Daddy’s nickname is now Psyxis_

 

 **Psyxis:** What the fuck.

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** well it makes some sense

 **fITE ME M8:** shouldnt you be sleeping with the fruity navigator

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** what makes you say that?

 **fITE ME M8:** read up dipshit

 

_5:40 P.M._

 

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** oh

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** helios go suck a dick

 **Selene:** I want to say something about that, but I won’t.

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Wow, and you guys think I’m the freak.

 **Selene:** Ethos, look at your nickname.  Then look at my comment.  There’s a big difference between the two.

 **Queen Bitch:**  Everyone here but Abel, Praxis, and myself are freaks.  End of discussion.

 **Abel:** Wow. You’re being nice to me.

 **Queen Bitch:** Statement redacted, Abel is the biggest freak out of all of us.

 **fITE ME M8:** its true. boi wants many fuckers.

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** twenty credits say helios has slept with more people than abel and phobos combined

 **DIS DICK:** DEIMOS NO

 **fITE ME M8:** is there something we dont know about you

 **DIS DICK:** NO DEIMOS DOESNT KNOW WHAT HES TALKING ABOUT

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** helios pls im pretty sure that aside from abel phobos and praxis uve slept with everyone else

 **Psyxis:** Again, what the fuck.

 **Abel:** Um, let’s not talk about this?

 **Queen Bitch:** Abel, omg, did you cheat on Cain with another Fighter?  How scandalous!!!!

 **fITE ME M8: …..** i wouldnt call it cheating

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** And you guys think I’m the nasty one.

 **Abel:** In my defense,

 

_5:48 P.M._

 

 **Queen Bitch:** Abel, you never finished your sentence.

 **fITE ME M8:** hes quietly whispering something about helios having more than one threesome

 **fITE ME M8:** and im slightly disturbed that he knows this

 

_DIS DICK’s nickname is now BOI BEEN FUCKING._

 

 **BOI BEEN FUCKING:** cain shut up

 **BOI BEEN FUCKING:** pls dont make this worse

 **Queen Bitch:** I can’t believe that you’ve had more than one threesome with Cain, of all people.

 **Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals:** he’s had three involving cain

 **BOI BEEN FUCKING:** deimos i will gut you in your sleep

 

_BOI BEEN FUCKING has left the chat._

 

 **Abel:** Should we add him back?  I kinda feel bad now.

 **Selene:** I got to go. It’s Helios. He’s…..nvnefhvfjsdj

 **Queen Bitch:** Selene.  What the fuck.

 

_Guess who sleeps with ethos and stuffed animals’ nickname has been changed to Deimos._

 

 **Deimos:** ive been meaning to do that for a while

 **fITE ME M8:** yeah will you change mine back now

 **Deimos:** nope

 **fITE ME M8:** i hate you

 **Queen Bitch:** For the second time, get a room already.

 **Deimos:** we are in rooms, just not in the same one

 **Queen Bitch:** I will throw you out of our room, Deimos.  I seriously fucking will.

 **Abel:** Wow, he actually did.

 **Psyxis:** How do you know?

 **Abel:** Well Deimos is sitting in Cain’s bed now, with his tablet, and typing away.

 **fITE ME M8:** deimos is doing what now

 **fITE ME M8:** that little shit

 **Abel:** Yeah, you might want to get back to the bunk before he starts making a blanket nest-

 **Abel:** Nevermind, you’re too late.

 **Psyxis:** Ethos and I can hear Cain angrily screaming and sprinting down the hallway.

  


_6:00 P.M._

 

 **Deimos:** I’m sitting in Abel’s bed now.  Alone.

 **Abel:** Yeah, when Cain came in he pulled me into his lap and now he’s going to talk through my tablet I guess.  Deimos is the third wheel since Phobos kicked him out.

 **Queen Bitch:** I regret nothing.

 **Abel:** phobos take ur fighter back now

 **Abel:** i cant do stuff with abel with him in here

 **Psyxis:** Cain, tmi.

 **Queen Bitch:** #yourestuckwithhimnow, #suckituploser

 **Abel:** Did you actually just use hashtags like that?

 **Queen Bitch:** #FUCKOFFABEL

 **Deimos:**  #Phoboshasnoclass

 **Queen Bitch:** #Deimoscangosuckadick

 **Psyxis:** #Bothofyoucanactlikeadults

 **Deimos:** #GOAWAYPIRATE

 **Queen Bitch:** #NOWEARETINYCHILDREN

 **Psyxis:** Well if you two are going to be kids, then you should at least be in the same room.

 **Abel:** yeah get out of ours so i can fuck abel

 **Queen Bitch:** Ew.

 **Abel:** at least he gets more action than you ever do

 **Deimos:** #Burned

 **Queen Bitch:** At least I don’t kiss Cook’s ass for praise like Abel does!

 **Abel:** I do not!

 **Abel:** I don’t even want his praise!  He always stares at me whenever he can.  Didn’t you see that tiny Navigator that looked like me that came out of his office with a hickey that one time?

 **Deimos:** What

 **Psyxis:** What.

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** What.

 **Abel:** he does what now

 **Abel:** co or no im going to slit his fucking throat brb

 **Abel:** CAIN NO

 **Pysxis:** I hate to interrupt, but I just saw the clock.  It’s dinnertime, and we should really all go eat, and then come back to discuss Cain murdering Commander Cook.  And Phobos, didn’t you want to talk to Ethos after lunch, earlier?

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Praxis, why would you betray me like that?  I thought you loved me!

  
  


_June 5th, 2016_

_8:36 P.M._

 

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Phobos actually had a talk with me.  Praxis, I’m not going to sleep with you tonight.

 **Abel:** you were going to fuck tonight wow pirate you really struck out

 **Psyxis:** By sleep with me he meant in the same bed.  Don’t you and Abel share a bed?

 **Abel:** well yeah but since you share with deimos i thought that youd be less handsy with him

 **Queen Bitch:** Let’s not talk about this with other people, okay?

 **Queen Bitch:** Some of us actually have limits.

 **Abel:** Phobos, are you worried about someone?

 **Queen Bitch:** No.  It’s because I’m here, and reading over his shoulder, and I guess he doesn’t want you guys discussing possible threesomes around me?

 **Abel:** and who the fuck are you

 **Queen Bitch:** …..Wow, Abel.

 **Abel:** Sorry!  Cain’s speaking though my tablet currently.  Even though Deimos isn’t in the room anymore.  What Cain wants to know is, if you aren’t Phobos, then who are you?

 **Abel:** Porthos, right?

 **Queen Bitch:** Yeah.  

 **Queen Bitch:** And I’m guessing that Ethos is the one with the….the weird name.

 **The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise:** Um, no…?

 

_The Kinkiest Fucker here Surprise’s nickname is now Ethos the kinky freak._

 

 **Ethos the kinky freak:** Deimos, I will end you.

 **Abel:** you mean youll get pirate ass to end deimos which is going to be hilarious to watch since deimos is most certainly going to win

 **Queen Bitch:** Okay, if I have the situation right, Ethos is sleeping with Praxis and Deimos, but separately.  

 **Abel:** yeah but who knows what kind of shit they do together

 **Queen Bitch:**...And if Ethos wants to kill Deimos, then he can’t sleep with Deimos anymore.

 **Selene:** Porthos, that’s actually a smart observation.  I thought you were all brawn and no brains.

 **Queen Bitch:** I’m going to take that as a compliment.  One second.  Phobos is kicking me off of his tablet.

 **Queen Bitch:** He was reading over my shoulder for about three seconds.  Then he _sat_ on me and took my tablet.

 

_Queen Bitch added Porthos to RIP CAIN._

 

 **Porthos:** Holy shit, is that the actual title of the chat?

 **Abel:** yes bc encke was going to skin me alive

 **Porthos:** And before I forget, why the fuck do you guys keep switching names

 

_Porthos’s nickname is now Pineapple-kun._

 

 **Pineapple-kun:** That is not funny

 **Pineapple-kun:** If one of you don’t change it back

 **Abel:** youll what pineapple head

 **Abel:** come over and beat the shit out of me?  have fun trying

 **Abel:** Please don’t mind Cain, he just really wants to punch something.  I told him to go use a punching bag or something, but sadjnslgjdfh

 **Abel:** even though youre all fucking pussies this thing is entertaining

 **Ethos the kinky freak:**...Thanks?

 **Psyxis:** I think that’s the nicest thing Cain’s ever said to me.

 **Abel:** the offer wasnt extended to you cyclops

 

_Psyxis’s nickname is now Cyclops._

 

 **Cyclops:** Deimos, change it back.

 **Deimos:** it wasnt me cyclops

 **Queen Bitch:** It wasn’t me, either.

 **Ethos the kinky freak:** Um, it wasn’t me.

 **Abel:** Hey, Selene came back!  Well, earlier.

 **Selene:** No, this is Helios.

 **Cyclops:** Really?

 **Selene:** Of course not, it’s me.

 **Abel:** So is everything alright with Helios?

 **Selene:** More or less, yes.  He’s still a little upset with Deimos, though.

 **Deimos:** is he with u rn

 **Selene:** Yes, but he’s inside a blanket cave.  Do you want me to give him his tablet?

 **Deimos:** sure

 

_Selene has added BOI BEEN FUCKING to RIP CAIN._

_Selene had changed the name to Welcome to Hell 2.0_

_BOI BEEN FUCKING’s nickname is now DIS DICK._

 

 **DIS DICK:** selene just chucked my tablet into my cave

 **DIS DICK:** he has betrayed me

 **Selene:** Considering the fact that you also took my blankets to make the cave, we’re even now.

 **DIS DICK:** i let you sleep in the cave!

 **Queen Bitch:** You two need a room.

 **Selene:** Well he just forcibly pulled me into his cave with him.  Does that count?  I would think it does.

 **DIS DICK:** technically he moved rooms so suck it

 **DIS DICK:**  cain if you said suck dis dick i will disembowel you

 **Abel:** i did

 **Abel:** fite me

 **DIS DICK:** meet me in the fucking pit

 **Queen Bitch:** What fucking pit?  We don’t have any pits on the ship, if you numbskulls haven’t noticed.

 **Selene:** It’s a metaphorical pit.  Haven’t you seen the internet recently?  It’s a meme.  Even I know what memes are.

 **Queen Bitch:** I know what a meme is.

 **Queen Bitch:** But can you explain to me anyway?

 **Porthos:** Whats a meme?

 **Abel:** they dont know what a meme is holy fuck

 **Abel:** this is glorious

 **DIS DICK:** sweet shit on a stick

 **DIS DICK:** are you two living under a rock or something

 **Queen Bitch:** Coming from the guy cuddling with his s/o in a blanket cave.

 **DIS DICK:** i never said we were cuddling

 **Queen Bitch:** Okay well then you aren’t, but you’re the one under something.

 **DIS DICK:** no we totally are cuddling

 **DIS DICK:** and you were under porthos earlier

 **Deimos:** you just got burned

 **Abel:** I hate to break this up, but I think we need to sleep.

 **Selene:** You’re going to stay up until God knows when, typing.

 **Abel:** its true

 **Abel:** Correction: everyone but me should go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm super sorry about the fucking spacing. It might be because we're using Google Docs to write it or something, but since I'm pretty much helpless with tech I can't fix it.


	3. Cain is Mistaken, It Isn't High Noon.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Qun fak ho: I hate all of you guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI. YES. THIS IS LATE. BUT ITS 8480 WORDS.
> 
> FORGIVE MY CAPS BUT THIS IS THE TENTH TIME IVE TRIED TO UPLOAD THIS SHITTY CLUSTERFUCK I HOPE U ENJOY
> 
> THE CO AUTHOR ALSO GOT AO3 YAY

_ June 6th, 2016  _

_ 2:03 A.M. _

 

**Deimos:** sleep is for the weak

**Deimos:** i am not weak.

**Deimos:** i will not sleep

**Ethos is the kinky freak:** Deimos, sleep.

**Deimos:** can’t, i am not weak.

**Ethos is the kinky freak:** Did u have a nightmare again?

**Deimos:** ..Maybe

**Ethos is the kinky freak** : Come over here.

**Deimos:** I want cuddles.

**Ethos is the kinky freak:** Cuddles will be given, just get over here.

 

_ Ethos is the Kinky Freak’s nickname is now Cuddles. _

  
  


_ 8:09 A.M. _

  
  


**DIS DICK:** woah.

**DIS DICK:** reading through notifications payed off

**fITE ME M8:** holy shit thats disgustingly cute

**fITE ME M8:** imma go barf now

**Queen Bitch:** Is the first thing you do in the morning? Reply to this?

**fITE ME M8:** no the first thing i do is shower and drink coffee. and do something else but that doesnt matter

**fITE ME M8:** ive been up since 5

**DIS DICK:** me too!

**Queen Bitch** : Wtf is wrong with Fighters’ sleep schedules?

**Abel:** Like we’re any better. Is breakfast ready?

**Queen Bitch:** It’s open 7-10. 

**Abel** : So yes? Good.

 

_ 10:10 A.M. _

 

**Cuddles:** Praxis I’m not going to be able to go to Bridge duty today. Got a cold or something. MO is making me stay inside. 

**Deimos:** remember the last time you had a ‘cold’

**fITE ME M8:** ‘cold’ ?? what was it??

**Cuddles:** um.. just a cold

**Cyclops** : Fuck off, Deimos.

**Deimos:** it was more like a problem

**Deimos:** a problem about eight inches too big

**fITE ME M8:** oh gross i remember now

**fITE ME M8:** i could use less knowledge about what they do in their spare time

**Cyclops:** It’s not like you don’t do the exact same thing.

**fITE ME M8:** i dont go around talking about it

**Pineapple-kun:** You guys are always on this subject arent you

**Abel:** I’ll cover for you, Ethos.  Don’t worry.

**Cuddles:** Thanks, Abel!  I owe you!

**Selene:** I’m going to help cover you, too.  The last time Abel covered he pulled three all nighters in a row.

**Abel:** I did not!

**fITE ME M8:** it was actually four

**Abel:** Exactly!

**Cuddles:** Abel, that isn’t any better.  In fact, that’s worse.

**Abel:** To be fair, it was important stuff I was working on.

**fITE ME M8:** and then u poisoned urself with about oh i dont know maybe four fucking pots of coffee

**Queen Bitch:** It was six.  I think.

**Queen Bitch:** I’ll help too.  Keeler yelling scares all of us.

**fITE ME M8:** how scary can that pixie be

**Abel:** He’s as tall as you.  And believe me, he is terrifying.

**Pineapple-kun:**  Keeler made a newbie nav piss his flight suit once

**Cyclops:** Encke made us run ten miles when he found out that someone started the fighting rings again.

**fITE ME M8:** i stuck a kick me sign to his back once

**fITE ME M8:** the aftermath wasnt pretty

**DIS DICK:** once i stole his uniform while he was in the shower

**Deimos:** how are you alive?

**Deimos:** i mean i totally fucked with his room system but he never found out it was me

**Queen Bitch:** He’s about to.

**Deimos:** phobos you hoe

 

_ Deimos’s nickname is now The real hoe. _

 

**The real hoe:** im telling keeler u were the one who dyed his hair hot pink

**Queen Bitch:** You wouldn’t.

**The real hoe:** im gonna

**Pineapple-kun:** Don’t out Phobos pls I actually like him

**fITE ME M8:** that makes one of us

**fITE ME M8:** which is one of nine

**fITE ME M8:** so majority rules phobos is dead meat

**Queen Bitch:** I’m taking Deimos with me, then.

**Cuddles:** Aren’t pairs supposed to get along?

**Queen Bitch:** As you can see, most of the pairs ever to be paired enjoy sucking on each other’s faces.  That doesn’t apply to Deimos and I.

**Pineapple-kun:** I would hope not

**The real hoe:** the idea itself horrifies me

**Selene:** Let’s just leave that alone for now.  Telling on each other isn’t going to help with anything.

**Abel:** Yeah!  We’re all friends, even if some of us don’t think that they aren’t.

**Queen Bitch:** Right.

**Queen Bitch:** That was sarcasm, by the way.

**fITE ME M8:** this loser just spelled btws out what a nerd

  
  


_ 4:50 P.M. _

 

**Abel:** Hey, have any of you seen Cain today?  I haven’t seen him since this morning. 

**Queen Bitch:** Isn’t that a good thing?

**Abel:** No, usually he comes back by now so he can shower whatever blood on him off from PT.

**Selene:** He was in Hangar C earlier today, working on your ship, if that helps.

**Abel:** …

**Abel:** Our ship wasn’t in there when I checked after lunch.

**Queen Bitch:** Then your Fighter’s probably taking it for a flight to check the systems.

**Abel:** Without the Navigator?

**Selene:** Abel has a point

**The real hoe:** he’s playing pokemon go

**The real hoe:** athos was yelling about mewtwo earlier

**The real hoe:** apparently he saw one while he and porthos were doing a routine flight

**DIS DICK:** holy shit athos saw a what

**The real hoe:** mewtwo, the legendary pokemon

**The real hoe:** seriously helios i thought you knew what mewtwo is

**Queen Bitch:** What the fuck is ‘pokemon go’?

**Abel:** You remember that card game that was popular back on Earth?  Recently a game for real life pokemon was released like last week.  A bunch of the Fighters and Navigators are playing it now.

**Queen Bitch:** That sounds kind of stupid, actually.

**Pineapple-kun:** You weren’t arguing when I was playing it

**Queen Bitch:** Oh, that.

**fITE ME M8:** get rekt you fuckin scrubs

**fITE ME M8:** this glorious motherfucker caught a mewtwo

**DIS DICK:** WHAT

**Pineapple-kun:** Omg you caught Mewtwo???

**fITE ME M8:** yeah all thanks to athoss big mouth

**fITE ME M8:** he told me exactly where he found it

**Pineapple-kun:** He was really pumped about it…

**Queen Bitch:** Porthos I will kick you out of this room if you keep talking about pokemon go.

**Pineapple-kun:** I’m not letting you keep that pidgey u caught

**Queen Bitch:** Oh my God, no, don’t take Pidge from me

**fITE ME M8:** but the real kicker was where he saw it and what i had to see to catch it

**Abel:** Please, someone help, he already told me and I think I need brain bleach.

**fITE ME M8:** it was in berings fucking office

**fITE ME M8:** and i had to watch him and the other fruity co do the nasty with each other to catch mewtwo but it was worth it

**Queen Bitch:** Cain, that is so fucking nasty.

**Selene: …**

**Queen Bitch:** oKAY SHHHHH.

**Cuddles:** ???

**Cuddles:** What happened while I was gone?

**DIS DICK:** cain caught a mewtwo!  

**Cuddles:** Oh cool, I just caught a Dratini!

**fITE ME M8:** what

**The real hoe:** what

**DIS DICK:** what

**Cuddles:** You know, that small blue snake?  It’s so adorable!  He was sitting next to Herbert so Praxis and I adopted him as our second son.

**Pineapple-kun:** Cain you just caught a mewtwo??? Why are you so confused about a dratini???

**fITE ME M8:** i dont have a dratini yet thats why bc ive been looking for one for a while and the fruity nav over there got one before me

**Abel:** Cain, I have a Dratini.  I have three.

**DIS DICK:** what teams are you guys on anyway?  Im on valor 

**DIS DICK:** wait no im on mystic

**fITE ME M8:** valor cuz mystic sucks ass

**Abel:** .. I’m on Mystic.

**fITE ME M8:** boo you whore

**Queen Bitch:** You watched Mean Girls?

**fITE ME M8:** no

**The real hoe:** undecided

**fITE ME M8:** join valor so we can kick abels ass

**Pineapple-kun:** Im harmony i think.  

**Cuddles:** Oh, I’m on Harmony, too!

**Queen Bitch:** Mystic.

**Selene:** I’m actually on Valor.

**fITE ME M8:** you?  Valor?  

**Selene:** Last week, a Zoroark beat an Aggron defending a gym in a crushing defeat.  Another gym, protected by a Crawdaunt, was also beaten by a Gardevoir. Both teams were Valor, and I was the Zoroark and the Gardevoir.  I stole your gyms, Cain, or should I say, Starfucker?

**fITE ME M8:** i want my fucking gyms back valor or no

**Cyclops:** Undecided.  Might join Mystic, though.

**DIS DICK:** wait if phobos is mystic and porthos is instinct

**DIS DICK:** that means phobos plays pokemon go

**Queen Bitch:** I do not!

**The real hoe:** i can see your phone from here phobos

**Queen Bitch:** Deimos, shut up.  And Cain, what the fuck is with your trainer name?

**fITE ME M8:** fuck off you mystic asshole

**Cuddles:** Porthos, let’s leave the Mystic Valor war and go over to the Harmony room.

**Pineapple-kun:** what

**Cuddles:** Um, since most of the ship is Valor and Mystic and they have this whole grudge war against each other, Harmony took over a room on the Bridge so we can stay out of it.

**Pineapple-kun:** im in

**Queen Bitch:** You’re going to leave me alone with these guys?  Porthos, how could you?

**Pineapple-kun:** sorry phobos.  Ill see you later though

**DIS DICK:** what is harmony

**Abel:** It’s essentially a team that decided they want all three teams to work together.  Think peace and love all around.

**DIS DICK:** oh that actually sounds better than mystic

**DIS DICK:** im switching to harmony

**Queen Bitch:** Helios, you have an 882 CP Flareon.  Please don’t leave.  If you do then we lose one of our best gyms.

**DIS DICK:** too late! Also bye selene im going to go join ethos and porthos

**Selene:** Honestly, you’re more suited to be a Navigator than a Fighter.

**DIS DICK:** its too bad i failed the test

**DIS DICK:** and if i hadnt then i never wouldve met you!

 

_ 5:20 P.M. _

 

**fITE ME M8:** im going to go storm that one mystic stronghold in the fighter base levels and blast gasolina u guys in?

**Selene:** If I can punch Athos in the dick, sure.

**fITE ME M8:** what do you have against his scrawny asian ass anyway

**Selene:** He took a Milotic from me.

**fITE ME M8:** point taken.  Cyclops, deimos, u in?

**The real hoe:** sure

**Cyclops:** I’m in the Harmony room with Helios, Ethos, and Porthos.

**fITE ME M8:** pussy

**Cyclops:** Fuck off, Cain.

**fITE ME M8:** still gonna go fuck with the mystic assholes

 

_ 5:30 P.M. _

 

**Queen Bitch:** You aren’t ever getting in.

**fITE ME M8:** open the fucking door so we can beat you mystic assholes

**Queen Bitch:** You and what army?

**fITE ME M8:** all of my valor teammates that i convinced to join me

**Queen Bitch:** We have Encke. Get fucked.

**fITE ME M8:** u think selene and i cant handle encke

**Queen Bitch:** To be honest, you wouldn’t touch Encke.  He’d slam your ass into the brig if you tried.

**fITE ME M8:** he can try

**fITE ME M8:** now let us in before we do it ourselves

**Queen Bitch:** As long as I’m in here, you Valor fuckers aren’t coming in.

**fITE ME M8:** have it ur way

 

_ 5:45 P.M. _

 

**Queen Bitch:** HOLY SHIT YOU FUCKING BASTARD

**Helios:** ...whats happening

**Queen Bitch:** HE BLEW DOWN THE DOOR.  LITERALLY.  WITH EXPLOSIVES.

**Abel:** I told him not to, if it helps.  He listens maybe 45% of the time.

**Queen Bitch:** Yeah, well, you’re the only Mystic person in here that he won’t punch.  oH MY GOD TELL HIM TO GET THAt GASOLINE OUT OF THE ROOM

**fITE ME M8:** im gonna burn ur banner phobos and theres nothing u can do 

**Selene:** Cain just punched me.  I’m literally just sitting down, Cain, why the fuck did you punch me?  And I'm on your team for fuck’s sake.

**fITE ME M8:** ur on mystic thats enough reason for me

**fITE ME M8:** u were dating a mystic therefore ur auto mystic

**Selene:** What the fuck

**Abel:** God, Cain, please turn off that awful music and go back to the bunk or something.  Wait for the flag wars.

**fITE ME M8:** ??? flag war??? Wtf?

**Abel:** You have got to be kidding me.  In honor of the whole Pokemon Go thing, Bering and Cook are doing this ship wide flag war.  Neutral players, i.e. people who aren’t participating or playing the game, are going to hide team banners all around the ship.  Harmony is playing too, but they won’t have as many banners as the other three teams.  You get to burn the flags as you go, too.

**fITE ME M8:** then why did no one tell me

**fITE ME M8:** i wouldve saved gasolina and the flag burning

**Queen Bitch:** Might as well burn the banner we have in here, since you ALREADY RUINED OUR DOOR.

**fITE ME M8:** nah im gonna wait for the game

**Queen Bitch:** Fuck you, Cain.

**fITE ME M8:** i’m sure youd love it but abels the only one i fuck

**DIS DICK:** ew

**Queen Bitch:** I did not need to hear that.  Where’s the brain bleach?

**Selene:** In the laundry room, where else?

**Queen Bitch:** It’s a rhetorical question.

**Selene:** I’m fully aware of that.

**fITE ME M8:** maybe you two nerds can take your nerd arguments somewhere else   
**Queen Bitch:** For the fucking record, you’re in our room.  So you can feel free to leave.

**fITE ME M8:** suck this dick

**DIS DICK:** isnt that my line?

 

_ fITE ME M8’s nickname is now THIS DICK. _

 

**THIS DICK:** this is not what i meant deimos you little fuck

**The real hoe:** it wasnt me

**THIS DICK:** then who was it

 

_ THIS DICK’s nickname is now THICC DICK. _

 

**THICC DICK:** i guess this is slightly better but what the fucking hell

**Queen Bitch:** Language, you savage.

**THICC DICK:** fucking heck

**Queen Bitch:** Thank you.

 

_ 6:00 P.M, _

 

**DIS DICK:** did Phobos just 

**DIS DICK:** did he just reenact a meme

**Queen Bitch:** Again, what the fuck is a meme???

**Queen Bitch:** It’s just something we do on the bridge whenever someone says hell.

**THICC DICK:** you fucks spend the day meming

**THICC DICK:** wow

**Cuddles:** Phobos, we explained to you that from that day on the Bridge was a meme zone™.

**Queen Bitch:** What’s with the random trademark?

**Cuddles:** ™ ™ ™ ™ ™  

**DIS DICK:** i think theres something wrong with ethos

**Cuddles:** The only thing that’s wrong is the fact that Phobos doesn’t know what a meme is.

**Queen Bitch:** Let’s not start this again, okay?  Memes sound like absolute shit anyway.

**THICC DICK:** dont meme bash

**Queen Bitch:** End of meme discussion. Next person to say the word meme will be drop kicked out the airlock.

**THICC DICK:** meme

**Queen Bitch:** Go to hell.

**Cuddles:** Language!

**Queen Bitch:** Go to heck, then.

**THICC DICK:** the floof has you whipped lmao

**THICC DICK:** get rekt

**Pineapple-kun:** I thought I was the only one who whipped phobos

**THICC DICK:** that is so kinky what the fuck

 

_ Pineapple-kun’s nickname is now Kinky fruit. _

 

**Kinky fruit:** cain change it back

**THICC DICK:** lol or what

**THICC DICK:** its not like you can beat me in a fight

**THICC DICK:** plus it wasnt me since i still dont know how to change these stupid names

**Kinky fruit:** augh

**Queen Bitch:** Cain, I swear, you’d better watch your back and sleep with one eye open.

**THICC DICK:** oh im so scared

**THICC DICK:** its like a tiny chihuahua barking at me

**Queen Bitch:** Go fuck yourself.

**THICC DICK:** why do that when i have abel to do it for me

**Cuddles:** Ew, TMI Cain, TMI.

**DIS DICK:** i couldve lived without having to read that

**Abel:** You’re sleeping on the floor tonight.

**THICC DICK:** we both sleep on the floor

**Abel:** What I mean is, you’re going to sleep on the floor while I actually sleep on one of the bunk beds.

**THICC DICK:** you cant do this to me

**Abel:** I can, and I will.

**The real hoe:** if you two are going to fite do it in your room not the mess hall

**Selene:** If they fought in mess, it’d be dinner and a show.  I say let them do it.

**The real hoe:** you realize what part of fighting means to them right

**Selene:** I wasn’t thinking of that part, ew.

**DIS DICK:** selene do you want to join us in the harmony room

**Selene:** I punched Athos already, so sure.

**Queen Bitch:** Athos is Valor, isn’t he?  Why would you punch your own teammate?

**Selene:** He transferred to Instinct earlier today, and he stole a Milotic from me.

**Queen Bitch:** Kay.

**THICC DICK:** okay wtf why would u spell out k

**Queen Bitch:** I’m a fucking queen, and we use proper language.  Get wrecked.

**THICC DICK:** it loses memeness if you say rekt the wrong way

**Queen Bitch:** Shut up.

**DIS DICK:** how long have they been going at it?

**Selene:** I have no idea.  What’s the time?

**Abel:** Oh no, don’t say that.

**Deimos:** hey cain

**THICC DICK:** what

**DIS DICK:** oh no dont ask him that

**Abel:** Deimos, no.

**Deimos:** what time is it

**THICC DICK:** ITS HIGH NOON

**Queen Bitch:** No, it’s six fucking thirty.  Does being Valor trash corrupt your sense of time or something?

**Kinky fruit:** Even i know thats overwatch

**Queen Bitch:** What’s overwatch????

**Abel:** Cain and I play it.  It's a first person shooter game.  Cain’s most likely to pick Widowmaker or Hanzo and I’m more likely to pick Tracer.  We like other positions too.

**DIS DICK:** lol 

**Queen Bitch:** You guys are all fucking weird.

**THICC DICK:** coming from the guy who doesnt know what memes are

**Queen Bitch:** Memes are stupid.

**The real hoe:** gasp

**Cuddles:** Even I know that memes are love, memes are life.

**THICC DICK:** do you even know what that means

**Cuddles:** It means memes are a good thing?

**Deimos:** ethos pls ill give u a meme lesson later tonight bc that is not what that meme is about

**Queen Bitch:** Like I said, weird.  Call me back when all this memey overwatch business is over.

**DIS DICK:** its never over.  It will haunt u in your sleep for the rest of ur life slowly chanting ‘shrepe’

**Queen Bitch:** Pepe doesn’t scare me.  It’s just an overly ugly frog.

**THICC DICK:** shrepe aint pepe and it scares the hell outta me

**THICC DICK:** that thing is terrifying

  
  


_ 8:00 P.M. _

 

**The real hoe:** he looked at it didnt he

**The real hoe:** helios this is all your fault

**DIS DICK:**  i didnt mean it!!!

**THICC DICK:** gj helios i hope ur happy with yourself

**DIS DICK:**  but its phobos’s fault bc he looked it up himself

**Queen Bitch:** ???

**Queen Bitch:** I went to go nap and eat dinner.  Don’t tell me you meme loving fucks forgot about dinner.

**The real hoe:** we didnt

**DIS DICK:** well why else would you be away for two hours

**Queen Bitch:** An hour long nap, half an hour at dinner, and half an hour doing Bridge work.

**DIS DICK:** oh

**Selene:** I told you that while you were crying about Phobos and Shrepe, Helios.  

**DIS DICK:** ive been betrayed

**DIS DICK:** is this what betrayal feels like

  
  


_ 8:15 P.M. _

 

**Cyclops:** Hey guys.  Sorry I haven’t been on in a while.

**THICC DICK:** the not so majestic beast appears

**Cyclops:** Very funny.  And for the record, Pharah and Reinhardt are the best.

**THICC DICK:** u did not 

**Cyclops:** Widowmaker is a camper and so is Hanzo.

**THICC DICK:** fite me u pirate

**THICC DICK:** do it you wont

**Cyclops:** Well it is true.

**THICC DICK:** reinhardts a fuckin pussy since hes always hiding behind that shield and pharah can fly away

**Cyclops:** Hanzo has that dragon thing!

**THICC DICK:** hanzos dragon thing is called dragonstrike

**Cyclops:** Whatever, it’s just some lame move that Hanzo has to make up for his player’s lack of skill.

**THICC DICK:** the fuck you say

**Cyclops:** I said, the dragon compensates for the player’s lack of balls.

**THICC DICK:** base levels now

**THICC DICK:** ill show your coward ass what lack of skill looks like

 

_ 9:00 P.M. _

 

**THICC DICK:** THE DRAGON AWAKENS U FUCKIN PUSSY

**Cyclops:** You switched to Reaper for four of the rounds.  Doesn’t count.

**THICC DICK:** well u switched between pharah and reinhardt so fuk u

**Cyclops:** BECAUSE WE AGREED THAT I COULD SWITCH BETWEEN REINHARDT AND PHARAH AND YOU COULD SWITCH BETWEEN HANZO AND WIDOWMAKER.

**THICC DICK:** i dont remember that

**Cyclops:** Ugh, whatever.  I just honestly don’t know why Deimos refused to switch characters.

**The real hoe:** i like zarya fuck off

**The real hoe:** plus selene wasnt any better he stayed with symmetra

**Selene:** I don’t know how to play any other characters besides Mercy so far, and I’d rather not play support.

**Selene:** Helios was already Lucio and the team didn’t need two supporting roles.

**DIS DICK:** lucio is cool and you cant tell me otherwise

**Selene:** Also, Praxis, Hanzo's aim sucks balls more than Helios does from long distance.

**DIS DICK:** is that an insult

**Selene:** No, it's the only example I can think of.

**Abel:** Can we not point fingers?  It’s kinda childish for 20+ year-olds.

**Cuddles:** I’m not quite 20 yet….

**THICC DICK:** what the fuck

**Cuddles:** I was promoted early?  Kinda?  I wasn’t supposed to be deployed for another two years but then the whole Colterons-kill-people thing came up so I was paired with Praxis when I was nineteen.

**The real hoe:** lmao u guys didnt know

**THICC DICK:** well ur one to talk when ur the one sleeping with him

**Queen Bitch:** Someone’s been underage drinking.  You know how Keeler gets about that.

**Cuddles:** You wouldn’t!!!!

**Queen Bitch:** I would, but for now it makes good blackmail material.

**Cuddles:** **（￣^￣）凸**

**Cyclops:** Didn’t you steal that straightening iron from Cook?

**Queen Bitch:** ….Shut the fuck up.

**Abel:** What do you need with a straightening iron?

**Abel:** Wait, is your hair naturally wavy or something?

**Queen Bitch:** Praxis, I hate you.

**Queen Bitch:** And for the record, my hair is straight.

**Kinky fruit:** lol u wish

**Kinky fruit:** its not straight its that weird straight wavy hybrid 

**Queen Bitch:** PORTHOS I THOUGHT YOU COULD BE TRUSTED.

**Abel:** I always thought your hair was straight….

**THICC DICK:** i guess u could say hes about as straight as his hair

**Selene:** His hair is straighter than he is, too.

**Queen Bitch:** I’m never talking to any of you, ever.  Except maybe Deimos.

**The real hoe:** im flattered

**DIS DICK:** what about me?

**Queen Bitch:** Fine, and Helios.  The rest of you can go die in a hole.

**Queen Bitch:** Cain, don’t even think about it.

**THICC DICK:** i didnt say anything yet

**Queen Bitch:** I know for a fact that you had something up your sleeve, like dying in a hole’s okay as long as Abel’s there.  Or something.

**THICC DICK:** what the fuck thats exactly what i was going to say

**Queen Bitch:** ANYWAY, Porthos, you need it just as much as I do!!!!

**Kinky fruit:** and?  Its not like i use it as often as u

**Cuddles:** We all know he has wavyish hair anyway.

**THICC DICK:** k hair convo is over bc did u kno that if you walk by their room u can hear encke and keeler going at it

**Cyclops:** Cain, what the fuck???  That’s disgusting.

**Queen Bitch:** I could’ve lived without hearing that, thanks.  Why the hell were you down by the officer’s quarters anyway?

**THICC DICK:** i wanted to see if i could catch a moltres over there since i caught mewtwo there

**Cuddles:** And what’s with you and seeing superior officers fucking each other?

**THICC DICK:** idk

**DIS DICK:** that actually explains why encke and keeler walked into a room then walked out and keeler had hickies

**Selene:** You literally never see Encke and Keeler making lovey eyes at each other?

**DIS DICK:** i choose to ignore it since it happens like every time they see each other

**Abel: ….** Didn’t we add them on here?

**Queen Bitch:** No, they left.  

**The real hoe:** I can always add them back

**THICC DICK:** dont u dare

**The real hoe:** whats the magic word

**THICC DICK:** daddy

**Queen Bitch:** Ew.

**Kinky fruit:** Im just going to go wash my brain out with bleach brb

**Cuddles:** Wait for me, I’m coming with.

**The real hoe:** close but not the word i want

**THICC DICK:** mayonnaise?

**The real hoe:** the true magical word

**Abel:** Since when is mayonnaise a magic word?  Or daddy, for that matter?

**DIS DICK:** you guys declared the bridge a meme zone ™ but you dont know what mayonnaise means?

**Abel:** No?

**DIS DICK:** do it cain

  
  


_ 9:20 P. M. _

 

**Abel:** Oh my god, that is terrifying.

**DIS DICK:** yup

**The real hoe:**  lmao

**THICC DICK:** hah

**Abel:** You’re such a dick.

**THICC DICK:** but u love dis dick

**DIS DICK:** i thought abel loved you not me

**DIS DICK:** my true love is selene anyways so i cant reciprocate ur feelings abel, sorry

**Queen Bitch:** Since when does Abel love Helios, and how does Helios even know the word ‘reciprocate’?

**DIS DICK:** rude, i was going to be a navigator before i failed the test

**Queen Bitch:** That test was easy.  How could anyone fail it?

**Abel:** Resources in the colonies are limited, hence reason why you don’t see any colonist Navigators.  

**THICC DICK:** are you calling me stupid

**Abel:** By extent, sort of.  Think of it as revenge for the mayonnaise thing.

**The real hoe:** burned

**Queen Bitch:** Mayonnaise?

**The real hoe:** porthos if u please

 

_ 9:25 P.M. _

 

**Queen Bitch:** Holy shit.  That  _ is _ terrifying.  Who the fuck invented that???

**THICC DICK:** a genius thats who

**Cuddles:** Oh,  _ the _ mayonnaise thing?

**The real hoe:** yes that one

**The real hoe:** the one i showed u

**Cuddles:** It was kinda weird, but it tickled.

**Cuddles:** It’s like his weird way of saying hello when he sneaks into the room after lights out.  

**Cuddles:** He’ll ninja his way into our room at like one in the morning and gently caress my thigh and whisper mayonnaise and I’ll know he’s there.  Silently watching.

**Abel:** That’s...oddly specific?  And slightly creepy?

**The real hoe:** cant judge me

**The real hoe:** at least ive never ingested 6 12 cup pots of coffee within 24 hours

**Abel:** That never happened, okay?

**Selene:** We all know it did, but okay.

**Selene:** And are we not going to talk about Cain and the condom balloons?

**THICC DICK:** i was bored okay

**THICC DICK:** and what else are you going to do with a can of helium and eighty something condoms

**Abel:** Not fill them and tie them to objects around the ship.

**THICC DICK:** in my fuckin defense i couldve left them in the room

**Abel:** Ew, you win.

**Queen Bitch:** You guys are all fucking weird.

**The real hoe:** but you love us for it

**The real hoe:** plus ur stuck with me unless u ask for reassignment but ive grown on u.  U wouldnt betray me like that

**Queen Bitch:** Like hell I wouldn’t.

**The real hoe:** i kno u wont

**Queen Bitch:** ….

**Queen Bitch:** Fine, you’re right.

**DIS DICK:** i thought phobos and deimos didnt get along that well

**The real hoe:** he loves me know isnt that right

**Kinky fruit:** Are you trying to steal my man

**The real hoe:** yes fite me for him

**Kinky fruit:** youre on

**Selene:** Now that those two are gone, I want to bring up a very important subject.

**Abel:** Which is?

**Selene:** Why is nobody talking about the furry walking around the ship?

**THICC DICK:** bc thats artemis and he lost a bet with me

**THICC DICK:** and someone dug a fursuit out of a storage locker so he has to wear it for a day

**Selene:** I now have a newfound level of respect for you.

**THICC DICK:** thanks but deimos found the suit

**Abel:** Speaking of which, he finds all sorts of weird things.  Did you know he found a letter of mine that was lost in the mail?

**THICC DICK:** wtf

**THICC DICK:** do you think if i ask he can find your sense of adventure

**DIS DICK:** rip abel holy fuck

 

_ Selene has changed the chat name to rip abel _

 

**Abel:** Thanks for the moral support.

**Selene:** Your welcome.

**THICC DICK:** lmao get rekt

**THICC DICK:** selene i like u

**Selene:** Sorry, but my heart belongs to Helios.

**DIS DICK:** aw thanks

**DIS DICK:** my heart belongs to you to

**DIS DICK:** though not in the literal way.

**Selene:** I would hope not, because I don’t need your literal heart.  It’s the metaphysical heart that matters.

**THICC DICK:** ...okay u nerds

**THICC DICK:** go be head over heels for each other somewhere else

**Selene:** Can’t tell us to get a room since we’re already in ours, ha.

**THICC DICK:** i hate u grammar indian

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian loves you too, Cain.

**THICC DICK:** gonna fuckin kill you one of these days i swear

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian asks that you spare his life since murder still isn’t legal.

**Selene:** Plus, the Grammar Indian fixed your datapad, didn’t he?

**Abel:** Why are you talking in third person and referring to yourself as ‘the Grammar Indian’?

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian says that the name sort of stuck, so why the hell not.

**DIS DICK:** lol how long are u gonna do this

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian doesn’t know.  He might keep doing it for a long, long time, Helium.

**DIS DICK:** helium??  Rly selene???

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian would like to remind Helium that his name is not ‘Selene’.  

**DIS DICK:** helium would like to remind the grammar indian that he has keelers skype and can add him at any moment

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian said you wouldn’t dare.

**DIS DICK:** helium would

**DIS DICK:** and helium will

 

_ DIS DICK has added Daddy to rip abel _

 

**THICC DICK:** he actually still has that name lmao

**Daddy:** For undisclosed reasons, I’ve kept it.

**THICC DICK:** do you know what this means

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian says it means Encke has a daddy kink.

**DIS DICK:** helium agrees

**Queen Bitch:** Mom, make them stop this shit.

**Daddy:** Excuse u, as you can see, I’m ‘Daddy’.

**Queen Bitch:** You may be my superior officer but the day I call you daddy is the day I confess my undying love to Cain.

**Daddy:** It was worth a shot.

**Daddy:** And you’d better get ready to confess to Cain bc do I have a show for you

**Queen Bitch:** What.

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian has fucking lost it because Keeler just quoted Veggie Tales.

**DIS DICK:** omg hes right

**Daddy:** You guys suck

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian says yeah, of course we do.  We’re all gay so what else would we do?

**Daddy:** Of all the people that could’ve said that, I’d think that Ethos would be #1

**Cuddles:** Is that an insult?

**Daddy:** No, it just means I know how kinky you are

**Cuddles:** True enough

**Daddy:** Sidenote, Phobos im disappointed.  The Bridge is the Ultimate Meme Zone ™ how can you not know what a meme is

**Queen Bitch:** Alright I’m fucking out.

 

_ Queen Bitch has left the chat. _

 

**THICC DICK:** i guess he couldnt withstand the memessure

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian would like to point out that ‘memessure’ isn’t a real word

**THICC DICK:** just roll with it

**Cuddles:** Not to change the subject,

**Cuddles:** But does Encke actually have a daddy kink?

**Daddy:** No comment

**The real hoe:** he doesssss

**Daddy:** Still no comment

**Daddy:** I’m flattered that you guys find me terrifying, though

 

_ Daddy has added Queen Bitch to rip abel _

 

_ Daddy has changed the chat’s name to meme discourse ™ _

 

**Queen Bitch:** I hate you all.

**Cuddles:** Don’t worry, we love you too.

**THICC DICK:** i dont

**Cuddles:** Besides Cain.

**Abel:** Well, team bonding has been achieved, though at what cost, I don’t know.

**Daddy:** Honestly, probably your sanity.

**Daddy:** And maybe a gag reflex or two.

**THICC DICK:** that is nasty 

**THICC DICK:** and thats coming from me

**Queen Bitch:** I second that notion.

**Daddy:** Good teamwork!

**The real hoe:** who added him anyway

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian says Helium, that traitor, added him.

**The real hoe:** third person 

**The real hoe:** i like it

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian says thanks.

**DIS DICK:**  i added keeler so he could stop selene but hes just a worse influence

**THICC DICK:** hes the reason why this chat exists why did you think he would help

**Daddy:** Cain has a point!  

 

_ Daddy added Mrs. Lady Dick to meme discourse ™. _

 

**THICC DICK:** whod encke marry lol

**The real hoe:** keeler, probs

**Mrs. Lady Dick:** For the record, I don’t have a daddy kink

**THICC DICK:** sure you dont

**Daddy:** Do you see their progress?  It’s pretty good considering Phobos used to hate Abel.

**Queen Bitch:** I still do.

**Daddy:** Well, Praxis and Cain seem to be friendlier?

**THICC DICK:** right just keep telling yourself that

**Daddy:** My point is, you guys sort of resemble a team.  A shit team, but still a team.

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian says that you’re supposed to be motivating us.

**Mrs. Lady Dick:** Suddenly, I’m glad that I’m in charge of the headstrong colonists.

**Daddy:** At least your space isn’t a declared meme zone ™. 

**Mrs. Lady Dick:** Yeah, good luck with that.

**THICC DICK:** excuse me but hold off on the flirting there is a child in our midst.

**Cuddles:** I’m only three years younger than you, so shut up!

**Abel:** Wait, how old is Cain, anyway?

**THICC DICK:** older than u

**The real hoe:** im a year older than him

**Queen Bitch:** Cain’s 22?  

**Abel:** Wow, I always thought he was the older one.

**THICC DICK:** well how old are you

**Abel:** 24.

**THICC DICK:** wow ur old grandpa

**Abel:** If it makes you feel better Keeler and Encke are also 24.

**Queen Bitch:** What the fuck?

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian would like to note that everyone defies age in space.  Age is for lame people back on Earth, not the cool kids out in space.

**Cyclops:** Wow.

**The real hoe:** all of u gotta call praxis senpai now

**THICC DICK:** how old is he anyway

**The real hoe:** 25

**THICC DICK:** truly an ancient artefact

**Cyclops:** Oh, fuck off.  At least I look my age, unlike you.

**THICC DICK:** touche u tree

**THICC DICK:**  u oaky tree

**Mrs. Lady Dick:** You guys are all fucked in the head, aren’t you

**Daddy:** That isn’t any way to talk to them.  They’re almost like our children!

**THICC DICK:** so you guys r married

**Mrs. Lady Dick:** No.  Absolutely not.

**The real hoe:** sure

**Mrs. Lady Dick:** Fine, Keeler, you deal with “our” kids.

 

_ Mrs. Lady Dick left the chat. _

 

**Daddy:** It’s just me and you guys now. ;^)

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian says that suddenly he feels absolutely terrified.  He wants to know if Helium will join him in the blanket cave.

**DIS DICK:** helium says hell yes lets gtfo

**Queen Bitch:** Hey, where’s Porthos?

**Kinky fruit:** I’ve been lurking ever since Deimos got back on

**Daddy:** ….

**Daddy:** Is there something you’re not telling me?

**Kinky fruit:** what???

**Daddy:** Um, your skype nickname?

**Kinky fruit:** Okay it isnt what it looks like

**THICC DICK:** thats what they all say

**Kinky fruit:** well my name is better than yours

**THICC DICK:** it says a lot about me

**Abel:** I don’t know why I put up with you, Cain.

**THICC DICK:** u know u love me

**Abel:** Ugh, I hate it when you’re right.

**The real hoe:** i think uve replaced ethos and praxis as the most domestically endearing couple

**THICC DICK:** ew

**THICC DICK:** i dont do domestically endearing its more of a fruity nav thing

**Abel:** Just accept the compliment, Cain.

**Queen Bitch:** It doesn’t sound like a compliment.

**THICC DICK:** no on cares about ur opinion

  
  


_ 10:15 P.M, _

_   
_ **The real hoe:** updog

**THICC DICK:** whats updog

**The real hoe:** oh not much

**THICC DICK:** wtf tell me

**The real hoe:** lol do u not get it

**THICC DICK:** what the fuck is updog

**DIS DICK:** dont be so rude to deimos omg

**DIS DICK:** u were the one to ask him how he was

**THICC DICK:** i dont get it

**THICC DICK:** i asked whats updog

**DIS DICK:** not much i just woke up from my blanket cave nap with selene

**THICC DICK: ????????????**

**Cyclops:** What is updog?

**THICC DICK** : nm but they wont tell me what updog is

 

_ 10:20 P.M. _

 

**THICC DICK:** oh

**THICC DICK:** i fuckin hate all of you

**Cyclops:** So what exactly is updog?

**The real hoe:** no one tell him

**Cuddles:** I kinda feel bad, though.

**Cyclops:** Yeah, tell me, Ethos.

**Cuddles:** But my true loyalties are to the memes. I’m sorry Praxis!

**Cyclops:** How could you do this to me?  I thought you loved me.

**The real hoe:** he signed a blood contract to the memelords ™ to only tell the worthy of updog

**Cyclops:** Whatever.  

**Queen Bitch:** Stop.

**Queen Bitch:** Just stop.

**Queen Bitch:** No more ™ s.  NO MORE.

**Daddy:** Wow, someone is against trademarking.

**Queen Bitch:** They just randomly trademark, and it’s getting on my nerves.  The next person to say it is getting brutally murdered.

**THICC DICK:** ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ 

**DIS DICK:** ™ ™ ™ ™ ™ 

**Queen Bitch:** I HATE YOU ALL.

**Abel:** I hope you’re enjoying the show, Keeler.

**Daddy:** You can bet your sweet ass I am.

**THICC DICK:** excuse me 

**THICC DICK:** the only one who can talk about his ass is me

**Daddy:** We both know I didn’t mean it that way.

**Daddy:** Plus, you can’t hurt me unless you want a month in the brig! :^)

**THICC DICK:** i hate you

**Cyclops:** More than me?

**THICC DICK:** no i still hate you more

**Queen Bitch:** Wow, no hesitation.  True hatred, right there.

**Queen Bitch:** Goals

**Queen Bitch:** If I wasn’t already a f _ ucking savage _

**THICC DICK:** whatever 

**THICC DICK:** at least im not some cos hoe

**Queen Bitch:** How dare you call me that.

**Queen Bitch:** And for the record, I’m a fake hoe

**Queen Bitch:** _ Queen _ of the fake hoes

**Abel:** You really like being the queen of things, don’t you?

 

_ Queen Bitch’s nickname is now Queen fake hoe. _

 

**Queen fake hoe:** Wow, funny,

**The real hoe:** your welcome

**Queen fake hoe:** If you come back to the room tonight, you’re going to wake up with a dick shaved into your hair.

**The real hoe:** love u too

**Abel:** Lol.

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian would please request that Keeler not skype lurk because it’s giving Helium anxiety.

**Daddy:** Helium?

**DIS DICK:** present

**Daddy:** Oh, sorry.  I’m just facilitating for now.

**Daddy:** Also, I’ve always wondered who it was who did the condom balloons.

**THICC DICK:** blyat

**Daddy:** Oh don’t worry, I found it hilarious.

**THICC DICK:** k phew

 

_ 11:15 P.M. _

 

**Cuddles:** That get out of my swamp, fire.

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian says you got that meme wrong.

**Cuddles:** Maybe you’re wrong?

**Cyclops:** I’ve heard Cain yelling about ‘this tape is fire’?  

**Cuddles:** That tape, fire.

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian still doesn’t think it’s right.

**Cuddles:** THAT GRAMMER INDIAN, FIRE.

**DIS DICK:** helium says cuddles is drunk

**Cuddles:** No, I only ingested half a bottle of vodka,

**Cuddles:** And maybe a few tequila shots.

**DIS DICK:** jesus

**Cuddles:** No, I’m Ethos, silly

**Cuddles:** Or am I Pathos? 

**Cuddles:** Or what about Logos?

**DIS DICK:** thats like asking what type of love u are

**DIS DICK:** eros agape or phila 

**Cuddles:** Boo, you whore

**Queen fake hoe:** Did someone reference Mean Girls

**Cuddles:** No

**THICC DICK:** hey look all the navs arent using punctuation

**THICC DICK:** the corruption has taken root

**Cuddles:** Im drunk it doesnt count

**THICC DICK:** pls i can drink that amount and b buzzed

**Abel:** Says the man who drank three bottles of Johnny Walker and came to me crying about snakes.

**THICC DICK:** but they dont have any arms

**Selene:** The Grammar Indian has collapsed in a fit of fucking laughter

**THICC DICK:** i hate u guys

**The real hoe:** we kno u dont mean it

**The real hoe:** u lvoe us all and cant deny it

**THICC DICK:** ys i lvoe u bc lvoe isnt love

**Selene:**  The Grammar Indian says ys?  Are we hating on e?

**The real hoe:** ys w ar

**Cuddles:** So im thos now, k

 

_ Cuddles’s nickname is now Thos. _

 

**THICC DICK:** lmao

 

_ Selene’s nickname is now Sln. _

 

_ The real hoe’s nickname is now Th ral ho. _

 

_ Queen fake hoe’s nickname is now Qun fak ho. _

 

_ Abel’s nickname is now Abl. _

 

**Th ral ho:** whos gonna explain this to klr

**Thos:** not m

**Sln:** Grammar Indian says not him

**DIS DICK:** cain is nominatd

**Qun fak ho:** so is porthos

**Abl:** I’m not doing it, so,

**THICC DICK:** you can all suck on dis dick

**DIS DICK:** thats my thing!

**THICC DICK:** get rekt

**Sln:** Grammar Indian: gt rkt

**THICC DICK:** grammar indian can fuck off back to where he came from

**Sln:** Don’t you man whr h cam from

**THICC DICK:** no fuk u

**Qun fak ho:** Is no one going to point out that Sln’s name looks lik Sin?

 

_ Sln’s name is now Sin. _

 

**Sin:** Grammar Indian says this works.

**Th ral ho:** ys it dos

**THICC DICK:** im going to bed fuck you guys

**Th ral ho:** goodnight and dont lt th bdbugs bit

**Qun fak ho:** I hop h gts bittn

  
  
  


_ June 7th, 2016 _

_ 1:05 A.M. _

 

**Daddy:** Did I just witness some type of satanic ritual or something

**Sin:** Grammar Indian: Did I just witnss som typ of satanic ritual or somthing

**Daddy:**  :^(

**Sin:** Grammar Indian rqusts that you not mak that fac at him

**Daddy:** Keeler says no

**Sin:** Grammar Indian: Klr

 

_ Daddy’s name is now Killer. _

 

**Killer:** Very funny, Selene.

**Sin:** It wasn’t th Grammar Indian.

**Th ral ho:** tis i the colonial fry

**Killer:** I’m not sure if I should be worried about how late you two are staying up or the fact that you keep emitting the e’s.

**Killer:** Probably both, tbh

**Abl:** You realize that you’re setting a bad example by staying up yourself?   
**Killer:** Hush ur traitorous mouth

**Abl:** This is the Sleipnir after dark, I don’t have to listen to you

**Killer:** Good point.  Carry on.

**Thos:** cARRY ON MY WAYWARD SoN

**Killer:** Omg what happened to him

**Thos:** ALCOHOL

**Sin:** Grammar Indian wants to know who’s brilliant ida it was to giv a minor alcohol lik vodka

**Killer:** Okay shut up, I thought that maybe passing out contraband liquor would be a nice idea but I guess never again.

**Abl:** Next time just give it to the Russians.  They’ll love you

**Abl:** i wont

**Abl:** no amount of vodka can make me love that fairy

**Killer:** ….Cain?   
**Abl:** He’s typing though me again.

**Abl:** bc he wont let me sleep so im taking vengeance

**Qun fak ho:** u guys woke me up stfu

**DIS DICK:** DID PHOBOS JUST ABANDON CIVILIZED TYPING HOLY SHIT

**DIS DICK:** IM SCREENSHOTTING

**Qun fak ho:** im fcking tired stfu and let me sleep

**Qun fak ho:** i actually want to have at least 5 hrs of sleep tonight

**Th ral hoe:** dont you mean more cuddling with porthos

**Thos:** porthos is now thos #2

 

_ Kinky fruit’s nickname is now Thos #2. _

 

**Thos:** better

**Qun fak ho:** u dont even kno where i am since ur in bed with thos and cyclops so fuk off

**Thos:** yea deimos is a terrible pillow

**Thos:** his chest is too hard

**Abl:** Opposed to whose?

**Thos:** idk

**Thos:** he just has a hard chest

**Th ral ho:** You guys are so weird, talking on each other’s accounts.

**Abl:** fuck off cyclops go sleep or whatever

**The ral ho:** Well I was, until these two took out their phones/tablets.

**Thos:** sry i wanted to see what memey nonsense ™ they were talking bout now

**Killer:** Do you guys even know what time it is??

**Abl:** ITS 

**Thos:** NOON AT NIGHT

**Abl:** HIGH NOON

**Abl:** no ethos wtf its high noon

**Thos:** u shithead its noon at night

**Thos:** aND ITS THOS WHO IS THIS ETHOS U SPEAK OF

**Qun fak ho:** what am i even looking at

**Qun fak ho:** r u guys even for real

**Thos:** YS IM VRY RAL

**Abl:**  ur a bitch thats whta

**Abl:** You guys sure get riled super quickly at night,

**Thos:** ITS NOON AT NIGHT THATS Y

**Th ral ho:** should i take his tablet awat

**Killer:** probably but this is entertaining

**Thos:** im a person not a thing

**Thos:** even hwen drunk i have my logic

**Thos:** k maybe not i think it whent on vacation lol

**Abl:** snakes dont have arms

**Thos:** wait what

**Th ral ho:** when did they ever have arms

**Th ral ho:** shit ethos is crying over snakes now

**Thos:** but they dont have arms!!!

**Abl:** point proven

 

_ 1:15 A.M. _

 

**Killer:** you guys should rly sleep

**Abl:** sleep is for the weak u pansy ass

**Th ral ho:** fightrs arn’t wak

**Qun fak ho:** well im weaker than that particle barrier in voltron so let me fukcin sLEEP

**Thos:** no one sleeps at noon at night

**Abl:** high noon

**Thos:** noon at night

**Killer:** omg

**Sin:** Grammar Indian says if u smoke weed thos has to accept its high noon

**Killer:** since when did we have weed on this ship

**Th ral ho:** he meant cigarettes

**Sin:** right

**Sin:** Grammar Indian means right

**Abl:** fuck

**Abl:** you guys know that we all have to be up for ship repairs tomorrow at in five hours

**Killer:** listen to abel/cain/whoeverthefuck

**Qun fak ho:** MYBE IF I COULD SLEEP I COULD

**Thos #2:** agreed stfu

**Abl:** u just want sleep bc ur ship is hella rekt

**Thos:** REKT

**Abel:** and have fun with ur hangover ur gonna regret that

**Thos:** regret is for weaklings like u

**Thos:** hangovers cant stop me im invincible

**Thos:** He really isn’t, but semantics.

**Thos:** praxis i luv u but shhhhh

**Thos:** plus i survived that 20 pound plate that hit my head

**Thos:** Because I caught that before it hit you.

**Thos:** sHHHHHHHHHHH

 

_ Qun fak ho sent a video. _

 

_ 1:56 A.M. _

 

**Abl:** r u screaming out of pleasure

**Qun fak ho:** no, agony

**Abl:** same thing

**Abl:** no, cain, that isnt the same thing

**Sin:** Grammar Indian says ew

**DIS DICK:** helium agrees

**Abl:** whtever,

 

_ 2:06 A.M. _

 

**Killer:** ???

**Th ral ho:** i dont think ur gonna b hearing from them until tomorrow

**Killer:** ???

**Thos:** even im not tht fukcin stupid

**Killer:**  oh ew

**Killer:** questions marks redacted faster than cain can scream high noon

**Thos:** oh hey whts jack daniels

**Thos:** is it vodka?

**Sin:** Grammar Indian says its beer and u should drink it

**Killer:** ur commanding officer says you really shouldnt drink it

**Thos:** already drank

**Sin:** Grammar Indian says good luck bc he doesnt think even cain can handle that much liquor

**DIS DICK:** cain can drink like five fucking bottles of straight vodka and  _ not _ get alcohol poisoning i thunk ur false

**Sin:** grammar indian says hes always right, helium

**Killer:** sleep.  All of u.  Even u fighters,

**DIS DICK:** how bout i do anyway

**Thos:** sleep is for the weak

**Sin:** Grammar Indian says uve established that

**Thos:** sleep is still for the weak

**Killer:** k well whoever the admin is u can mute ethos

**Abl:** lol

**THICC DICK:** I can mute him?

**Killer:** yea but not from cains acc

**THICC DICK:** Cain give me the tablet

**Abl:** hell no i like seeing this fruity nav drunk off his ass

**Abl:** thts what u get when ur not a colony brat and u drink that much alcohol

**THICC DICK:** ugh cain ur impossible

**Abl:** ys i am and u love me

**Th ral ho:** ys h lovs u

**Abl:** fukc off dude

**Abl:** nO ABL DGMDGMIS

**Abl:** the tablet is mine now

**THICC DICK:** deimos give it back

**Abl:** no

**THICC DICK:** Deimos,

**Abl:** no

**Killer:** ???

**Sin:** Grammar Indian has observed that deimos took abels tablet and theyre sharing cains now

**Killer:** but who has deimoss tablet

**Th ral ho:** THOSSSS

**Killer:** i shouldve seen that coming

**Th ral ho:** THE SPANISH INQUISITION

**THICC DICK:** no one expects the spanish inquisition

**Th ral ho:**  NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

**Th ral ho:** OR COCONUTS

**Sin:** grammar indian is confused

**DIS DICK:** also confused

**Th ral ho:**  COCONUTS

**Abl:** should we be worried for him

**THICC DICK:** no

**THICC DICK:** vodka does that to ppl

**THICC DICK:** But not you??

**THICC DICK:** i grew up in the colonies that shit is like fuckin water to me

**Abl:** liar

**THICC DICK:** ok u had like the best mom in our colony thats why she didnt let u drink

**ABL:** ur dad never watched u thts why

**THICC DICK:** tru

**Killer:** alright if u dont all go to sleep im telling encke

**Abl:** if u were gonna tell him hed already kno bc u share a room

**Killer:** k stfu

**Th ral ho:** well since im not the spanish inquisition or a coconut i can sleep

**Sin:** grammar indian says k

**Abl:** should i take the tablet or no

**THICC DICK:** No, you shouldn’t,

**Abl:** im taking it

**Abl:** gn and if u want it come get it when thos isnt drunk

**THICC DICK:** Ugh, whatever

**DIS DICK:** im gonna sleep bc i rly wanna fix the ship and then go relax or something

**Killer:** finally

  
  


_ June 7th, 2016 _

_ 2:16 A.M. _

 

**Killer:** i will excuse u from two weeks of bridge duty including night shift if u can get cain to fucking sleep

**Sin:** grammar indian wants to know if he can keep third person going

**Killer:** i dont give a fuck just get him to sleep

**Sin:** grammar indian says done deal

  
  


_ June 7th, 2016 _

_ 2:30 A.M. _

 

**Sin:** grammar indian says its u and me now cain

**THICC DICK:** k fuck off that was once

**Sin:** grammar indian is winking

**THICC DICK:** nO

**Sin:** grammar indian is agressivley winking

**THICC DICK:** fuck this im out

 

_ June 7th, 2016 _

_ 2:33 A.M. _

 

**Sin:** grammar indian said it would work

**Killer:** thank god

**Sin:** grammar indian says ud better make good on that promise bc theres no way in hell hes taking night shift while fighters are still hyped on pokemon go and prank week

  
  


_ June 7th, 2016 _

_ 7:00 A.M. _

  
**Qun fak ho:** I hate you guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPACING. IT SHIT. YEAH. SORRY.
> 
> THANKS FOR ALL THE KUDOSES AND COMMENTS IT REALLY MAKES MY DAY
> 
> BONUS:
> 
> Birch Queen: Did u post it on ao3 yett?   
> Crack Perfectionist: MY INTERNT IS FINALLY NOT BEING A LIL BITCH ITS GOING UP NOW


	4. now with bonus memes!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DIS DICK: im not even a nav and i feel scared about ‘it’
> 
> Kinkmaster: good! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we're not dead

**Sin:** grammar indian says u love all of us

**Qun fak ho:** no, not rly

**THICC DICK:** he still uses txt shit lmao

**Qun fak ho:**  BC IM TIRED U DUMB FUCK

**Th ral ho:** talk about hostility

**Qun fak ho:** fukc off u prick

**Thos:** fml

**THICC DICK:** good get rekt or git gud

**THICC DICK:**  no one gets to drink that much and enjoy it besides me

**Thos:** coconuts should fear me

**Th ral ho:**  rn is a good time to mention tht he has a slow metabolism so hes gonna b drunk for a while longer

**THICC DICK:** HA GET FUCKED U OVERGROWN HAIR FLOOF

**Thos:** ur a figurative of my instigation go away

**Qun fak ho:** wtf its figment of my imagination

**Thos:** ur just a lil bitch lmao

**Qun fak ho:** !!!

**Qun fak ho:** well at least porthos has both of his eyes

**Thos:** wow thts low even for u phobos

**Th ral ho:** hes the lowest of us all

**Thos:** actually ur the lowest of us all since ur five inch five foots

**Th ral ho:** ok thats going too far

**THICC DICK:** speaking of which u need to give abel his tablet back

**Th ral ho:** how bout fuck no

**THICC DICK:** deimos u lil shit

**Th ral ho:** meppy bitchmas

**THICC DICK:** fukc u

**Th ral ho:** na na na fufu

**Qun fak ho:** since when do u know those shitty nursery rhymes

**Qun fak ho:** like yeah jack fell down and broke his fucking skull open, humpty dumpty committed suicide, a child murdered a witch in cold blood, ring around the rosy everyone died of the fucking black plague

**Th ral ho:** TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

**Thos:** he took my tablet lmao

**Thos:**  & for the record i know ring around the rosies and the spongebob theme song

**Thos:** who lives in a pineapple under the sea

**Th ral ho:** not me bc who wants to live in porthos

**Sin:** grammar indian says phobos

**Sin:** grammar indian says or what if its reverse

**Qun fak ho:** selene i thought you were my friend

**THICC DICK:** ive taught u well

**Qun fak ho:** in what the art of sucking dick

**Sin:** grammar indian says no, he already knew how to

**Sin:** grammar indian also wants to know where abel is

**THICC DICK:** in bed sleeping

**THICC DICK:** btws someone tell that tiny fairy that hes sick and cant make it in

**Thos:** why is abel not going in

**THICC DICK:** well if u _rly_ wanna kno

**Sin:** grammar indian says no ur gross

**Thos:**  bet praxis and i have done worse

**THICC DICK:** try me

**Thos:** he fisted me before

**Qun fak ho:** ew

**DIS DICK:** yo dude tmi

**THICC DICK:** and i thought abel was needy

**Sin:** grammar indian says that he just lost some respect for ethos and that cain needs to stfu cuz hes still the nastiest

**THICC DICK:** tbh its abels ass thats nasty rn

**Qun fak ho** : oK

**Qun fak ho:** we dont need to hear anymore

 

_ 10:20 A.M. _

**Qun fak ho:** i kno we all skipped breakfast but why am i the only one to notice that keeler hasnt been on the bridge or in the hangar yet

**Qun fak ho:** he always takes attendance and shit to make sure no one skips

**Thos:** i wouldnt kno bc im still in my room 

**Qun fak ho:** wtf

**Thos:** alcohol remember

**Qun fak ho:**  k then y is sin still lurking

**Sin:** grammar indian got two full weeks off bridge duty + night shift for getting cain to shut the fuck up and sleep

**Qun fak ho:** i fucking hate u

**Qun fak ho:** i hope that next time u choke on helios's dick

**Sin:** grammar indian says he knows that he said he knew how to suck dick but who said that he sucks helios's dick

**Thos:** holy shit

**THICC DICK:** I would call that a pretty big plot twist.

**THICC DICK:** Phobos, during lunch can you ask Deimos to give my my tablet back?

**Qun fak ho:** no its funny to see you use cains name

**Qun fak hoe:** and let me get this straight.  Ethos, selene, and you are excused from bridge duty

**THICC DICK:** yeah

**Thos:** whos ethos 

**QUn fak ho:** u, u dumb shit ur ethos

**Thos:** no im thos, the alpha thos

**Thos:** porthos pathos and logos got nuthin on me

**Sin:** grammar indian wants to know if we should be worried about him

**Qun fak ho:** honestly probably but fifty credits say that hes locked himself in his room

**Sin:** grammar indian says to just get demios to ninja his way in

**Th ral ho:** u called

**Qun fak ho:** shouldnt u be in pt

**Th ral ho:** ys but im skipping to take care of thos's drunk ass

**Thos:** im not drunk

**Th ral ho:** u were crying about snakes earlier for the second time

**Thos:** but they dont have any arms!!!!

**Th ral ho:** point proven

**THICC DICK:** Can I have my tablet back?

**Th ral ho:** do u promise not to mute thos

**THICC DICK:** Yeah, I didn’t want to in the first place.

**Th ral ho:** one sec ill b over there

 

_ 10:46 A.M. _

**Abl:** Thank you, Deimos.

**THICC DICK:** yeah that asshole popped our vent open, dropped abel’s shitty tablet on my head, and retreated back into the ventilation like the pussy he is

**Th ral ho:** np

**Qun fak ho:** what does np even mean

**Qun fak ho:** neopet???

**Th ral ho:** phobos as soon as thos is undrunk were giving u a pop culture lesson jfc

**Qun fak ho:** i dont want ur shitty meme lesson 

**Th ral ho:** suck it up ur getting shitty meme lessons anyway

**Qun fak ho:** fuk u

**Abl:** I still find it amusing that Phobos still hasnt used punctuation today or anything

**Sin:** grammar indian agrees

**Qun fak ho:** =-=

**Thos:** is tht kaomoji i see

**Qun fak ho:** 凸(`△´＃)

 **Thos:** Hold my flower (ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿

**Th ral ho:** i got yo flower bby ✿＼(｡-_-｡) 

**Thos:** lets fite

**Qun fak ho:**  (ง •̀_•́)ง

**Thos:** its on like donkey kong

**Qun fak ho:** ill fight ur drunken ass anytime

**Thos:** bring it on

**Qun fak ho:** i will!!!

**Thos:** im ready!!!

**Qun fak ho:** so am i!!!

**Sin:** grammar indian says neither of you want to move do you

**Thos:**  no not rly

**Qun fak ho:** same

**Abl:** Lol

**Th ral ho:** i still got yo flower bby

**Thos:** not anymore

**Th ral ho:** :0

**Qun fak ho:** ur such children

**Th ral ho:** we r who we r

**Th ral ho:** its something inside of us its how weve always been

**Qun fak ho:** did u

**Qun fak ho:** did u just _ quote ke$ha  _ at me

**Sin:** grammar indian bets a kiss with cain that deimos is quoting ke$ha

**Th ral ho:** u shouldnt kiss and tell

**Qun fak ho:** omg he is

**Qun fak ho:** does that mean we have to kiss cain

**Sin:** Grammar indian says cain would let selene kiss him but not phobos

**Qun fak ho:** good

**Abl:** statement redacted this chat is gold

**Killer:** hello naughty children

**Th ral ho:** _ fuck _

**Killer:** :^)

**Killer:** so this is what u 4 have been up to

**Thos:** …

**Thos:** ….

**Thos:** …..

**Thos:** ……

**Killer:** k i get it but rly phobos

**Qun fak ho:** ive already replaced the fuel cell and starboard thruster so unless you want me on the bridge and leering at everyone else

**Killer:** nvm carry on

**Thos:** cARRy ON MY WaYWARD SOn

**Th ral ho:**  i didnt kno herbert could walk and pls dont tell encke

**Killer:** well if i never saw u

**Killer:** which i havent, since i havent been near u all day

**Th ral ho:** thank

**Killer:** shhhh child

**Abl:** Hes only a year younger than u

**Abl:** And its kinda irrelevant but i still cant believe that we’re the same age

**Qun fak ho:**  I can’t believe Cain is 22

**Thos:** it feels like the perfect night for breakfast at midnight

**Sin:** grammar indian says nO NOT THIS

**Th ral ho:** i dunno about you but im feelin 22

**Killer:** is that tayLOR SWIFT

**Th ral ho:** no

**Th ral ho:** whos taylor swift anyways

**Qun fak ho:** omg

**Thos:** everythin’ll b alright if u keep me next to u

**Abl:** XD

**Qun fak ho:** no fuk off

**Qun fak ho:** deimos im never speaking to u again

**Th ral ho:** never say never

**Qun fak ho:** well

**Qun fak ho:** _ we are never ever getting back together _

**Th ral ho:** ur on

**Th ral ho:** some day ill b big enough so you cant hit me and all youre ever going to be is mean

**Thos:** does this mean phobos abuses deimos

**Killer:** honestly, probably  


**Qun fak ho:** now u can go sit in a corner and think about what uve done

**Th ral ho:** you dont have to call me anymore

**Qun fak ho:** as far as im concerned ur just another picture to burn

**Killer:** u two realize im not going to approve a transfer unless we have a real problem

**Th ral ho:** dont have to rub it in so deep

**Qun fak ho:** look at what uve done cuz bby now we got bad blood

**Th ral ho:** did u think wed b fine i still have scars on my back from your knife

**Sin:** grammar indian says tht UR the one with a knife

**Thos:** u got problems and i dont think u can solve them 

**Thos:** so stop fighting

**Th ral ho:** did u have to do that

**Th ral ho:**  i was thinking that u could be trusted

**Thos:** deimos

**Th ral ho:** its over im sober

**Sin:** grammar indian says if u also unironically listen to depeche mode ur pretty much a true emo

**Th ral ho:** im happy im winning fuck the rest

**Thos:** all my friends dont give a fuck

**Abl:** All of you are so ridiculous,

**Sin:** grammar indian says hey able what do u love

**Abl:** _ chAMPAGNE, COCAINE, GASOLINE, AND MOST THINGS INBETWEEN _

**Killer:** ….abel

**Abl:** i havent been doing drugs i swear

**Sin:** grammar indian says hes just a hardcore ptad fan and its fun to hear him shout it 

**Abl:** no im not its cain who likes him

**THICC DICK:** well u think hes pretty

**Abl:** so do you

**THICC DICK:** every guy is gay for brendon urie

**DIS DICK:**  not going to deny it he is a hot piece of ass

 **Sin _:_** hhhhhh

**Qun fak ho:** what a wonderful caricature of intimacy

**Thos:** omg phobos knows ptad

**Qun fak ho:** oh memories whered u go

**THICC DICK:** ur all lame as fuck

  
  


_ 11:29 A.M. _

**Killer:** aw i wanted to see a catfight

**THICC DICK:** then wht was that u were doing with encke last night

**Killer:** first off how dare you

**Killer:** second off how dare you

**Thos:** klr is nominated to be the new kinky

 

_ Killer’s nickname is now Kinky. _

 

**Thos:** but

 

_ Kinky’s nickname is now Kinkmaster. _

 

**Thos:** ys

**Kinkmaster:**  w h y

**Kinkmaster:** why do you guys like to pick on keeler

**Kinkmaster:** and yes i see you deimos

**Th ral ho:** _ fuckx2 _

**Kinkmaster:** thats right 

**Kinkmaster:**  i found u

**Thos:** HIDE THE EVIDence

**Kinkmaster:** what happened to curly over there

**Kinkmaster:** nvm keeler told me

**Thos:** coconuts

**Kinkmaster:** congrats u just scared the lead fighter, ethos

**Thos:** VICTORY

**Thos:** and rip deimos lol

 

_ Th ral ho has changed the chat name to rip deimos. _

 

**Th ral ho:** *dying noise*

**THICC DICK:** nice knowing u

**Kinkmaster:** more like nice knowing  _ you _ since encke knows youre here now

**THICC DICK:** **_f u c k_ **

**Qun fak ho:** lol thts what u get

**Kinkmaster:** _ b r u h _

**Qun fak ho:** bruh

**Kinkmaster:** touche

**Thos:** ???

**Thos:**  well my name is indigo montoyota

**Th ral ho:** its intigo montoya and no ones killed ur dad

**Thos:** yet

**Qun fak ho:** what

**Thos:**  no one killed him.  Yet.

**Kinkmaster:** ethos im getting worried

**THICC DICK:** call the cops someones about to commit patricide

**Qun fak ho:** such a big word for a non-existent brain

**Abl:** first off, cain, technically we are the cops

**Abl:** second, cain is smart, hes the reason why our ship uses less fuel than yours

**Qun fak ho:**  oh yeah right

**Kinkmaster:** he's not wrong phobos, 

 **Qun fak ho:** fine but im the one with a better face

**THICC DICK:** u fucking wanna go

**Th ral ho:** on a date

**THICC DICK:** wtf no to fite not a date

**Kinkmaster:** encke looked over my shoulder and called deimos a homewrecker lmao

 

_ Th ral ho’s nickname is now Homewrecker. _

 

**Homewrecker:** funny, but

 

_ Homewrecker’s nickname is now Homereker. _

 

**Qun fak ho:** dude

**Thos: *** my

**Thos:** its my dude

**Qun fak ho:**  wh

**Homereker** : my dude

**THICC DICK:** my dude

**Sin:** grammar indian says my dude

**Qun fak ho:** fuck all of you, die

**Homereker:** tbh the fighters probs will within the next year

**Qun fak ho:** good

**THICC DICK:** im hurt

  
  


_ 1:05 p.m.  _

**DIS DICK:** Im tired 

**Qun fak ho:** gee i wonder why

**Qun fak ho:** maybe bc someone was up until two

**DIS DICK:** selene was on his tablet too stfu

**Qun fak ho:** still dont know what stfu means

**THICC DICK:** wow ur such an idiot

**Queen fak ho:** at least I was smart enough to make it into the navigator program

**THICC DICK:** for ur info i was dragged into this

**Kinkmaster** : yea bc ur a criminal

**Thos:** lol wht

**Kinkmaster:** you didnt kno

**Qun fak ho:** ofc i knew

(authors say fuck bold)

Abl: i didnt????

Qun fak ho: lmao ur dating a jailbird

THICC DICK: alright fuck off 

THICC DICK: i dont have to serve time after the stupid colteron war shit

Abl: Why didn't you ever tell me??

THICC DICK: u never asked

 

Kinkmaster: hey phobos

Qun fak ho: wht

Kinkmaster: why is 6 afraid of seven

Qun fak ho: keeler thats the dumbest joke ever

Qun fak ho: seven ate nine thats why

Kinkmaster: no because seven is a registrated six offender

Abl: Oh my god

THICC DICK: hahah thats funny

 

**12:30**

Sin: so grammar indian wants to get something straight

Homereker: none of us are straight but carry on

Sin: grammar indian wants to know whether spicy is a flavor or pain

Homereker: flavor

Thos: pain

DIS DICK: flavor

Abl: Both

THICC DICK: flavor

Qun fak ho: yall are idiots its obviously pain

THICC DICK: ur poor mouth cant handle the flavor since ur such a pansy

Qun fak ho: spice fuckin hurts when you eat too much of it

Sin: so that makes people who like spicy things masochists

THICC DICK: thats kinky

Homereker: abl is confirmed a masochist

Abl: What???

Homereker: dont lie we see how much chili flakes you use on food

THICC DICK: he sure is

Qun fak ho: you are too

Cyclops: Wouldn’t that make Cain a sadist

Sin: grammar indian says that pretty much everyone on the ship is a sadist

Qun fak ho: like you would know

Sin: grammar indian wants to know when the lot of you will stop acting like children and mature

THICC DICK: says the dude writing in third person

Sin: touche

Qun fak ho: finally   
Thos #2: thnx

Sin: oh hey porthos

Qun fak ho: he vowed not to talk as long as you were still using that grammar indian schtick

Sin: grammar indian says that can be easily fixed

Thos #2: fuck you

Sin: yeah yeah ill cut it out

Kinkmaster: You all need to be on the Bridge at 05 tomorrow morning, so I think you should all get some shuteye

Abl: I’m working on a project for Cook, so I can’t really sleep

Kinkmaster: Cain, be a sweetheart and make sure your Navigator gets some sleep

THICC DICK: why should i

THICC DICK: if he wants to pull another allnighter even if i say no its his fault if hes grouchy at the briefing tomorrow

Kinkmaster: I hope he’s not, considering that I told Abel the next time he does, that Solis could administer a sedative 

Abl: Stop being passive aggressive about it, mom

Thos: oooo abels gonna get it

Qun fak ho: it?

Thos:  _ it _

THICC DICK: aint no one touchin his ass but me

Thos: ew not that it

THICC DICK: well what other it is there

Thos:  **_it_ **

THICC DICK: that is so not helpful

DIS DICK: im not even a nav and i feel scared about ‘it’

Kinkmaster: good! :)

DIS DICK: ...now i see why the navs dont fuck w keeler

Kinkmaster: Encke says he wishes he got the same respect from his fighters

THICC DICK: yea well he can go fuck himself w a horse cock

Qun fak ho: who says keeler doesnt? ive seen the man limp around sometimes

Abl: I do  _ not _ need to hear this

Thos #2: look man if i have to then you do too

Sin: So if one person suffers everyone has to?

Thos #2: yh

Thos #2: you have no idea the things ive heard

Thos #2: i have been protecting you amigos since the beginning of my career

Thos #2: do you have any idea what its like for me? i seriously fear that one corner of the nav hub

Homereker: k you can stop right there

Thos #2: also on that spicy = masochism thing

Abl: I dont want to talk about it

Kinkmaster: None of you should be talking about it because you should all be asleep!!

Qun fak ho: yeah yeah

DIS DICK: okay but you guys have to tell me what ‘it’ is tomorrow morning

Thos #2: no promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check back relatively soon for more bullshit from the two of us :^)


End file.
